As a bonus gift for readers of The Brothers’ Lot, we are proud to present this original seasonal spin-off in which Lar Lawrence and Con Conway, still in the employ of Brannigan Brothers, discuss the spirit of the Rare Aul Dublin Christmas while standing in Dublin’s Westmoreland Street.
Lar: Do you remember the Cheeky Charlies they used to sell in Henry Street?
Con: I remember them well: GET THE LAST OF THE CHEEKY CHARLIES!
Lar: Ah yeah. But, you know, it doesn’t feel a bit like Christmas.
Con: Sure it never really feels like Christmas til you have all the shopping done.
Lar: True enough I suppose.
Con: And you’re standing in a corner of The Stag’s Head on Christmas Eve with a pint and a small Powers with your bags of presents around your feet.
Lar: That is a warm and seasonal picture I’ll grant.
Con: …your hastily bought, ill-though out, last minute presents in their poxy little plastic bags…
Lar: Ah I don’t know about that…
Con: …and your being jostled by some prick from the Merrion Road and his friends with his smelly cologne who is home for the Christmas from Doha or Brisbane or somewhere and talks too loud and sounds like Bono…
Lar: Ah, steady on now.
Con: …and when you come back from the bar with another pint and a large Powers, he and his girlfriend have grabbed you little corner of shelf space and you have nowhere to rest your pint so you stand there drinking from each hand and each sip you know more and more that the foot spa and the DVD and the slippers and the aromatherapy bath oils are all wrong and the cardigan is the wrong size and it should have been man City not Man Utd. and you now knowyou will spend Christmas Day suffering the perfunctory gratitude and the hurt looks of your whole family and they’ll have got you thoughtful gifts that you actually wanted and…
Lar: Easy! Easy! You’ll give yourself a conniption!
Con: …and then you get yourself one last pint and large one, gather up your useless presents and go out to find the buses have stopped running and now you can’t get a taxi cos all the people home for the Christmas have taken them all and you have to walk home and all the chippers are already closed and you’ve lost your keys and …
Lar: Oh look! There’s a 16! Have to run! Good luck now and enjoy The Christmas! [Exit at great speed]
Con: But you live in Crumlin! The 16 is not your bus!